I leave work early in afternoon to beat the traffic and get my daughter ready for a big night. She is to be a flower girl in a small wedding that starts in two hours. The babysitter for my two year-old is at least forty-five minutes late and nowhere in sight. We are expected at the venue across town ten minutes ago! My mind is racing (what if the sitter is in an accident?), my heart is beating like a drum gone mad, my neck and shoulders are throbbing from tension, and I am nervous, worried and upset. Finally, the babysitter shows up and I get in the car. The freeway turns out to be a parking lot. I am having Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome signs just recalling this event. I am sure you have a similar story. The immediate negative impact of stress means tension and the inability to think clearly. It can also bring on explosive outbursts and can compel us to do things we would under normal circumstances consider unwise. Furthermore, when we are short-tempered from stress, we role-model for our kids what not to do when under pressure. Our children may lose respect for us or, worse, they decided to use our model for handling stress in their own lives. Here are some ways to minimize ineffective reactions to stress:
Take excellent care of yourself first: Of all the tips, this is perhaps the most important, yet most often the most neglected. When we give ourselves the gift of a healthy and self-affirming lifestyle, we bring energy, positive attitude, good problem-solving and creativity to everything we do. In short, we become better parents. Taking care of ourselves means eating and sleeping well, having a hobby (e.g., organic gardening) or something we do for pleasure, nurturing and enjoying our relationships and yes, exercise. And watch out for those negative thoughts and feelings. They will sap your energy faster than a donut-induced sugar crash. Acceptance: We need to be honest with ourselves. Even among the best of us (whatever that means,) raising-children can be overwhelming at times. Most parents are multi-tasking during their waking hours and sometimes there are simply no bullet-proof ways of doing things gracefully. While perfection is not a realistic goal, a parent can reasonably aim to enjoy the ride without succumbing to harsh blame. Acknowledge that what you are doing is your best effort. So you are late to pick-up from soccer, ballet or junior squash practice, please rest assured that your child will not be permanently damaged if you are ten minutes late. I know because I have been there. Just plan better next time and leave a bit earlier.Breathe: Here is what I should have done when I was caught in traffic on the way to my daughter's flower-girl gig. Stop the tape in my head. For the moment simply note what's going on with me. Is my breathing shallow? Am I panting for air? Am I so full of negativity in thoughts and body that I am not fit for company? Why is my daughter complaining about a stomachache NOW? (Stress in a parent is very contagious for a child.) Then here is what typically happens next. As most people focus on "observing" themselves and the impact of their stress, they will notice that their breathing slows down and they start to feel calmer and more in control. Psychologists call this effect reactivity. Here is a tip on breathing: take as large a breath as you can through the nose for a count of 5 and hold it for a count of 20. Then purse your lips and, slowly let the air out through the mouth for a count of 10. You should feel the pleasure of stress leaving your body with the outgoing breath. If you can whistle while you breathe out through pursed lips, better yet! Repeat this 3 to 5 times. Try this while you are driving. It's amazing what a little more oxygen in our lungs can do. By the way, chronic stress means that we are constantly breathing shallow and depriving the cells in our body the oxygen they need to function. Such is the start of a fantastic illness. All we need to do to combat the onset of this physical breakdown is simply to breathe more deeply more often. Have a "happy cue" ready: My ski instructor taught me this one. As you stare down that metaphoric double black diamond and feel the onset of fear, doubt or apathy, hum, sing or whistle a happy tune. Do this effortlessly while you ski down that double black diamond. I am always surprised at how quickly the "happy cure" gets the body to relax. Oh, and you have the added benefit of breathing well while you sing or hum. That's two birds for the price of one.Humor: The emotional and health benefits of laughing and smiling are so well-documented that they deserve to be a tip all on their own. Try cracking a funny comment in a very tense moment, such as when your son is throwing a fit. (Beware not to make fun of him, of course.) You see, it is just not possible to be mad at someone and to share a fun moment at the same time. This always works for my daughter when she's feeling grumpy.Teach yourselves and your family the discipline of routines: Routines decrease chaos. The predictability of ritualized daily activities also gives children a sense of security and clarity. In our house, the kids look forward to bath time with one of the parents after dinner. Personally, I look forward to the "alone" time and the efficiency of no distraction while cleaning up after dinner or picking up the den. Speaking of picking up, encourage the children to always put away the toy or activity they are playing with before they take out another. Always put things back in their designated places to avoid the last-minute mad search for car keys, the favorite shirt or homework. With children and work, there are plenty of "fire drills". Daily activities such as picking out clothes and packing lunch need to happen seamlessly and without drama, preferably in the evenings before the morning rush next day.Improve processes at home: Borrow best practices from manufacturing companies in your own home. Think about ways to perform repeated tasks more efficiently and with minimal effort from you. Try sending all birthday and anniversary greetings for the next six months in one sitting. If you prefer sending out cards instead of electronic greetings, there are online services, such as SendOutCards, which will allow you to order, write out and stamp a batch of cards ahead of time. Then these cards are automatically mailed for you at the designated time. Try buying birthday presents for the next six months in one or two shopping trips. The key here is to label and put all the presents in one place so you will be able to find them down the road. Or outsource cleaning, picking up dry cleaning, etc. to give yourself the time and energy to do more important things like spend time with the family or plan ahead.Give yourself alone-time in the evening to decompress: after putting the children to bed and checking your email, it is critical you end your day with a trigger which tells your brain it is time to unwind and idle a bit. This may be a favorite magazine or a chapter of a book. I once read that it's imperative this time be a private endeavor and that your head be at least at the level of your belly button standing up or lower to discourage your thoughts from bobbing around!The Three arms of leisure time: Parents who are enjoying their work and families must divide their "fun" time/activities into three categories: time with the kids (spouse can come along), time with the spouse (children cannot come along) and finally time for themselves. In our family there is the big build-up of 1:1 time each child gets to have with the parent. Our older one may get taken by one parentto a movie, followed by a nail-salon visit. Then we the parents try to sneak in as much date time as possible. Because we both value growth, this includes attending educational seminars together. Finally, each of us needs private time. I am writing this article from a three-day road trip by myself at a small B&B with 180-degree view of the ocean! We also consider buddy time or girls night out as time-out for ourselves.Acknowledge gratitude daily: John Templeton, the famous financier, was asked what his secret of success was. He simply said it was to feel grateful for all that he has on a daily basis. Establish a practice which allows your thirty seconds to remind yourself all the wonders and gifts you have. Maybe it is while you are brushing your teeth. Or when you first open your eyes while lying in bed. Or right before you fall asleep. The positive attitude and the energy which come from this routine will bring even more great things into your life.
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